Two monkeys at the Braneshire Zoo have become psychotic from living their lifetime in captivity with each other. Mikey, 25, and Neena, 30 have been napping long hours and trashing their toys and walking the same three steps forward and backward over and over again. Dr. Rob Robb, animal psychologist and erstwhile marriage counselor has a plan for psychotherapy to save the primates from their madness. He plans to “vary their menus and give them unbreakable toys.”
vary their menus give them unbreakable toys vary their long psychotic unbreakable naps give them menus vary their together give them unspeakable boredom vary their psychotherapy save them from captivity
the same three steps forward and backward and forward and backward same three steps same same three steps steps steps over over over over over over over over
save the monkeys from madness vary their menus and unbreakable toys save the monkey madness vary their primates and madden their menus save the monkeys from psychotherapy vary their madness and save the toys from the monkey step madness
GIVE THEM IMPOSSIBLE TOYS GIVE THEM PSYCHOTIC MENUS GIVE THEM UNBREAKABLE BOREDOM GIVE THEM A LIFETIME FORWARD AND BACKWARD IN PSYCHOTIC CAPTIVITY G I V E T H E DOKTOR. A LIFETIME OF BOREDOM TOYS VARY THEIR MONKEYS GIVE THEM UNBEARABLE MONKEY TOYS GIVE THEM TOYS OF PSYCHOTHERAPY G I V E T H E M THE BOREDOM OF A LIFETIME NAPPING TOGETHER
Two psycho monkeys at the Braneshire Zoo are the subjects of a novel form of therapy. The primates’ psychologist—who has already varied their menus and given them unbreakable toys—is now training them to thread needles in the hope that learning to sew will lessen the tedium of captive togetherness.
Neena (l.) and Mikey (r.) learning to sew!
vary their menus give them captivity toys vary their l o n g monkey napping hours give them unbreakables vary their captivity give them umbrellas and psychedelic menus the same three steps over and over and over and over again and again and again
S1: I feel so fuckin’ bad about this. You know, we really were negligent in not noticing their distress sooner. I thought they were fine until people kept asking where the ‘dancing monkeys’ were. I guess despair may look like dancing to some people. But it’s not dancing. S2: I kept trying to explain to the reporter–yes, the one with the whole-body reptile tattoos–that Neena and Mikey are not “psychotic” and that interventions for stereotypy are not “psychotherapy.” But she said, “Look, nobody will read something like “Monkeys Lose Hope,” but everyone will read “Psycho Monkeys.” S1: Do you think she’d go out with me, I mean, if she got to know me better? S2: She also asked me if the obsessive stepping thing might be some form of primate culture, like yam-washing. Oh please.
____________________________ Inspired by an article about three polar bears by Steve Newman, “Earth Week,” 1 April 1989 The San Francisco Chronicle altered image; original from http://awionline.org/lab_animals/rhesus/pho80-92.htm